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19 May 2007 @ 10:09 am
these shenanigans are getting old, kids. put away the teddy bears and pick up your briefcase.  

This is a letter to the dumbfucks who egged my driveway last night.

Dear assholes,

First off, I'd like you to realize that the act of egging is an extremely childish pastime and is also completely pointless. Then I'd like you to realize that when you egg someone's drive, they have to clean it up later, and I'll have you know that scrubbing fucking egg off your driveway after it's hardened and rotting is not an enjoyable way to spend your Saturday morning. When I could've been watching The Boondock Saints and drinking coffee and waking up the way I like to - slowly, while watching gory movies with lots of expletives - I was outside in the sun with my dirty hose spraying at eggshells and silently cursing your pitiful souls, which made showering before I knew my driveway'd been egged a complete waste. I sincerely hope that your significant other - or that hot drunk kid you meet at a party and decide to fuck - gives you an STD. Yeah. Maybe not AIDs, because that's a little harsh, but at least crabs or something. Or, at the very least, I hope that somebody puts bologna on your "badass ride" in retaliation, because you deserve the stripped paint and the stench of rotting meat, you fucking dickwads.

Thank you.

PS__ Whoever called me at like one? (Not you, Laub, because I didn't wake up to your call.) Not cool, dude. Seriously not cool. I really, really like my sleep. Y'all are lucky I didn't answer, because if I had it would not have been a fun experience for either of us.

&&that is all

Current Mood: pissed offreally fucking pissed
Current Music: Weezer - A Perfect Situation